Unsatisfied.

Hello dear friends and readers,

This entry has been one I've been avoiding writing since we arrived in Hampton nearly three weeks ago.  It's been so difficult to find the words to express how I've been feeling, and so I've just avoided writing altogether.

I guess the word for how I'm feeling doesn't really exist, so I'm going to have to make up a new word. >If you have any ideas, suggestions are welcome.< In this word you get a mix of the sad, lonely feelings that come with being a small fish in a big pond, with no buddies around to back you up.  In this word you get what comes with a cross-country move, leaving a job you love, friends that are family, and coffee shops that are quiet, inviting and actually sell good coffee.  You get a lack of familiarity, a home, a church, a community, and everything else that comes along with those things.    You get tears in a new church bathroom during worship because it's just not what you're used to and what you're used to is exactly what you could use right about now.

But you also get an entire new life waiting to happen. A new community of people to befriend, a new house to make a home, a new job (this one's taking a lot of faith), and new favorite places to hang out. 

I just haven't arrived there... yet.  The past three weeks, and basically until we move in to our new home, have felt like life is just on hold.  Waiting.  Waiting to move in, waiting to find a job, waiting for Sundays to roll around so we can find a new church.  Waiting for paint to dry*, waiting for my new iPhone (got that today!), waiting for replies from potential jobs, waiting for Jordan to get home from work.


And I feel so unsatisfied with everything.  I'm unsatisfied that this is my life right now.  That I'm not working, that I miss my friends and my students in Alaska, that I miss the mountains, and I miss the community, and I miss...everything about my life 6 months ago. I'm unsatisfied that I haven't slept in my own bed in two months.  I'm unsatisfied that we haven't found a church yet... and that finding the "right" one is probably an impossible task and not what God had in mind in the first place! 

And then the Lord speaks into my life... (He has a knack of doing that just when I am about to give up)...

"O God, I beg two favors of you;
let me have them before I die.
First, help me to never tell a lie.
Second, give me neither poverty nor riches!
Give me just enough to satisfy my needs."
  - Prov. 30:7, 8

God does. not. care. about the things of this world.  He is not interested in what kind of couch we buy, or whether or counter-tops are granite or laminate.  He does not blink an eye at fancy new iPhones.  He doesn't care if our church has loud rock music, or sweet hymns. But he does care about me.  He loves me.  So much so that He actually has promises and hopes and a future for me, if only I would obey him!  And He promises to satisfy my needs, and nothing more.  Not my wants, not my "gimmes," not my wishes.  My needs.

This lesson has been a really hard pill to swallow.  After being "displaced" from my own home and things for two months, all I feel like I need are those things and house to feel normal again.  I keep catching myself thinking, "I'll get my life back on track after we move into the new house."  God doesn't want me to sit around and wait for a new house to satisfy my needs.  He wants to be the one to do that!  And right now, He's saying that He is all I need!

Sigh.

I still don't know what that word is to describe how I'm feeling, but I do know this God I serve is a Mighty God, and there are not other words necessary than that.

*We are currently staying with my friend from college and her fiance, in their 1920s home they are renovating, inch by inch.  We are sooooooo incredibly grateful for their hospitality (especially with our dog who has been less than a polite guest), and we fully believe God gave us them to satisfy our current needs of a place to stay for awhile.  So during the days when everyone goes to work, I have been working on painting parts and pieces of the house.  It feels good to accomplish something each day, and especially to help them out as they are super busy people!