You Make Me Brave

In 2012, Jordan and I rented a camper from the Air Force’s Outdoor Rec. department and headed to King Mountain State Park in Sutton, AK to camp with our friends, the Whitneys and Durhams, over Memorial Day Weekend (we lived in Anchorage, AK at the time for those that are just joining me).

This was the first time we had ever rented a camper, but we wanted to test the waters because buying a camper was in our near future.  It was a cute little Scamp trailer, with just enough room inside for the two of us, and of course, Layla-doo.  It was all hard-sided, and even had a little heater to keep us warm at night!

"The Rig"

The first day we arrived, we set everything up and took a walk down by the river with the kids so they could fly their new kites.  This river was fed by a glacier melting further up north, so the water was colder than you can imagine.  The river was low, but still flowing at a good pace.  However, because it was low, there was plenty of rocky open space beside it to play on.  We spent awhile down there, teaching the kids how to get their kites in the air, but we probably spent most of our time untangling strings.  We took Layla down there with us, and tested out how she would do off-leash in a wide-open space.  She did well, returning to us every time we called her.

After awhile, we all went back up and sat around the fire.  We fed Layla her dinner, and Jordan decided he would take her for a walk back down by the river to do her business.  I reminded him to keep her on her leash, even though she had her shock collar on (a remote-controlled collar we used to train her with), just in case she lost her sensibility and didn’t come when called.

As we were sitting around the campfire, I suddenly had this thought that Jordan had been gone for a long time.  I expressed my concern to my friends, and they just reassured me he took her on a long walk to tire her out.

About five minutes later, Jordan and Layla show up soaking wet!

“OHMYGOSH, WHAT HAPPENED?!” I shouted.

Then Jordan proceeded to share the story:

Apparently they were walking along the river, and he decided to let Layla off her leash.  Being the ADD dog she is, she saw a leaf floating in the water and decided to jump in after it.  Almost immediately, she realized she couldn’t swim in the fast current and looked at Jordan in panic as she started being carried away!  Jordan said he thought to himself, “Oh crap, Amy’s gonna kill me if I don’t bring this dog back.”  So without thinking any further, he jumped in after her, boots and clothes on, wallet, cell phone, and collar remote in his pockets.  His footing was quickly taken away from him, too and he also started floating down river! He started trying to swim over to Layla, as she was making her way towards the opposite side of the river, and about 100 yards away the river turned into rapids.  Eventually he was able to reach her and dig his feet into the riverbed to make his way back to the shore.

The whole ordeal took about 60 seconds.  In water that cold, any longer and I would have lost them both to hypothermia.  Their bodies would have given out and neither one of them would have been able to swim. 

As he is sharing this, our friends start laughing and harassing him!  But I started tearing up and getting very angry.  After all, he could have died in that water.  People die all the time in frigid water.  In one minute, I could have lost my husband and my beloved dog.  I didn’t find the humor in the story.

So why am in recounting this story almost three years later?

I guess because about four months ago, God reminded me of it while I was singing in worship at RC (our church’s youth group, Revolution Church, that I was volunteering with).   The band starting singing these new lyrics I had never heard before:

“You make me brave,

You make me brave.

You call me out beyond the shore into the waves.

You make me brave.

You make me brave.

No fear can hinder now the love that made a way.”

It was the chorus to a new Bethel Music song.  Wow.  Those words just hit me like a brick.

Then God reminded me of Jordan’s bravery to save Layla in the river that day.  He didn’t think about it.  He didn’t even hesitate long enough to leave his wallet and cell phone on shore.  He just… jumped in.

I want a faith like that. 

You see, sometimes we (Christians) get really caught up in all the fancy theology, doctrine, and Law, and forget to just trust God in everything.  Don’t get me wrong… studying God’s Word left, right, front, and back through Bible dictionaries, commentaries, and concordances is all really great.  In fact, I don’t think we do it enough to benefit our personal walk with God.  

But sometimes often we hesitate to be obedient to God’s call on our life because we can’t seem to justify the risk and the reward.  We are told following Jesus is going to cost us everything.  EVERYTHING?! 

“Everything” huh?

That’s a hefty word.  And it includes, but is not limited to this short list: your finances, family, career, home, child-raising, schooling, purchases, vacations, rest time, eating habits, addictions, entertainment choices, language, relationships… etc., etc., etc.

I once heard that true obedience is two things: immediate and joyful.

When God asks me to do something, to be something, to say something, to be somewhere, how quickly do I just jump into the task?  And even if I do, what is my heart attitude like?

I’m reminded of the verse in 1 Samuel 16:7: “The Lord doesn’t see things the way you see them.  People judge by outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”

God doesn’t even care about the acts of obedience, if my heart is ugly and unwilling! 

Since these song lyrics were being sung at a youth group event, I strongly felt the Lord speaking to me about students in the room that were hesitating to answer His call, His hand reaching out to them that night, because they were too afraid to jump in and give up everything.  I get it kids.  It is so scary.  But we also need to remember the rest of the promise: “No fear can hinder now the love that made a way!”  When we truly follow God’s call on our lives, we allow Him to fill any void left behind by sacrificing a relationship, habit, whatever… and leave in its place unconditional love.

And that love is so worth it.  Thank you Lord for making be brave, to even face this day and all the unknowns that come with it!

King Mountain and the infamous river are behind us in this photo... you can see how low the water was at this part, but it got very fast just a short distance away!

** I have another post coming soon about a time when God asked me to be obedient recently, and the testimony He gave me through it.  So stay tuned!

“I belong in the mountains."

 

“I belong in a place where there are mountains.”  I am sure my friends are tired of hearing me make this statement.  This isn’t a new revelation for me, but I woke up this morning with a longing for the mountains, and a message about the “flat land” I’m in right now.

As a kid, I grew up camping in the Green Mountains of Vermont with my family.  Daily hikes in the woods to lakes tucked away in the hills and cliffs overlooking the gorgeous scenery were just a part of my summer every year.   Every 4^th of July, we would camp at this same place on Lake Dunmore, and stare up at the “beast” the locals called Rattlesnake Point.  As a little girl, I couldn’t wait for the day I was big enough to climb that peak.   Once I was about 8 years old, I started climbing this peak every year with my dad.  I felt so proud of myself when I made it to the top without complaining or losing my water bottle.  And the first time I saw a view from the highest point I’d ever hiked, I think I fell in love with hiking mountains.

When I went off to college, I had a choice between two great schools that offered my degree program.  They were both equal in student enrollment, campus-size, and quality of education.  Both were “out of state” state schools for me.  One was in the heart of Connecticut, pretty close to Hartford, and the other, in a classic New England town tucked away in the mountains of New Hampshire.  Obviously I chose the latter.

About 20 miles from my college town was a large mountain peak called Mount Monadnock.  It’s known for being one of the most climbed peaks this side of the Mississippi.  It was almost a rite of passage for Keene State students to climb that peak every year.  And once at the top?  Breathtaking views of all the surrounding towns and mountain ranges.  Jordan even proposed to me on this mountaintop in 2007!

After we got married in 2009, Jordan joined the Air Force, which took us to our first duty-station in Omaha, NE.  No mountains.  Anywhere.  For nearly 1,000 miles.  They have these elevated pieces of land Midwesterners like to call “bluffs,” but let’s face it, they’re mole hills.

Two years later, we reached our ultimate mountain-top experience.  We were stationed in Anchorage, AK, a city that is surrounded by 5,000 foot mountains in every direction!  I could go for a hike on a myriad of trails in just under a 20-minute drive from my house to the trailheads.  And when I wasn’t hiking them, I was driving towards them in the city, or staring at them through the window at my dentist’s office, or watching the “termination dust” slowly creep down their peaks, letting us know winter was coming soon.  The Chugach Mountain Range in Alaska is simply majestic.  The first person to use “majestic” as an adjective for mountains must have visited this beautiful state.

But in this place, it wasn’t just the fact that there were mountains to be climbed and admired.  It was the people that the mountains drew to this area.  “Mountain people” are a breed of their own.  They care a little less about fashion trends, and little more about practicality.  They place outdoor recreation over any series on Netflix.  They go for hikes that last for days, or strap on their boots for a short trail after work.  They’re flexible, because when it’s a nice day in Alaska, it’s a day to be seized outdoors, regardless of deadlines and meetings.  Physical comfort takes a backseat to beautiful views and the feeling you get when you’ve peaked 3500 ft. or reached some far-off lake in the valleys.  Peeing in the wilderness and startling encounters with large wildlife like moose and bears are part of the fun accompanied by spending time in these glorious ranges.

These are my people.  The mountains are my jam.

Right now, the Lord has us on flat land again.  The coastal lands of Hampton, VA to be exact.  I’m 5 miles from the ocean beaches, and surrounded by tidal water everywhere.  To be clear, I am completely confident we are here for a reason.  In fact, these entire past 15 months in the flatlands have felt like (in “Christian”ese terms) a total “valley” experience that has been completely necessary.   And by a “valley” experience, I don’t mean to say I’m completely miserable here.  In fact, we have a very good life here!  We have an amazing church, even better friends, and a beautiful home.   There is so much to be thankful for in this place.  But it still feels like a place we don’t belong forever.  This isn’t our resting place.  Just a rest stop. 

Coming down from mountain-tops is necessary.  Eventually our water jugs run dry, we eat all our snacks, and “real-life” awaits us in that city below.  So I know our time here is a necessary chapter in our lives.  But as I awoke this morning, maybe the Lord was reminding me how temporary valleys and mountaintops are.  And He refreshes us in both places.  He is with us in both.  He is with us always.

Maybe the Lord was reminding me that He will soon bring me back to the mountains.  He created me, knows me better than myself, and therefore, knows my heart’s desire to be back in a place where the mountains are right outside my windows.  But more than that, where I truly belong is in Him alone, and no physical location on this earth is permanent.  The only place I will truly rest forever will be in eternal Heaven!  But for now, this is where I belong, and I must find rest and peace in His sovereign will to have me here.

“‘For the mountains may move and the hills disappear, but even then my faithful love for you will remain.  My covenant of blessing will never be broken,’ says the Lord.”- Isaiah 54:10

It is finished.

Well my friends, yesterday I put my first half marathon behind me as I crossed the finish line at 2 hours, 16 minutes, and 33 seconds. I am so completely happy with my performance and just proud that I finished the darn thing still standing!

I promised I'd post once I finished the race, and honestly, I've been thinking about what I would write in this post for months. What picture should I use? Will I even have one I want to share with the world (or like the 10 of you who care)? What will I have to say about this whole experience?

Since beginning training in early December, I have pushed myself further than I ever thought possible.  I used to run 2-3 miles and call that a workout. Now I can run 13 miles, without walking, and still walk myself back to the car.  I'll admit, I'm not feeling great today. If I sit down, it's a serious commitment to stay down until I absolutely have to get back up.  And when I do back up, it's not pretty. I feel like a cross between an old lady, a duck, and a really pregnant lady.  Small steps, a little waddling, and very slow movements.  My 25 minute drive to Panera to meet a friend today was just enough for my body to decide anything out of the sitting position was going to cause for a very awkward stroll across the parking lot.

I should mention I was fighting and still am fighting a cold the entire week before the race.  I laid as low as possible and overdosed on Air Borne and tea in efforts to beat it, but I still ran with congestion.  So, I'll blame some of how I'm feeling today on that, too.

I should also mention what a complete blessing it has been finding a running partner who lives right down the street from me.  She (Michelle) has met up with me nearly every Sunday morning for the past 3.5 months to run ridiculous distances in the dark, rain, snow, and beautiful sunshine.  And our wonderful husbands have selflessly pulled themselves out of bed on those mornings to meet us every few miles with water and Gatorade.  This was definitely a team effort,  and I am so grateful for them!

When I crossed the finish line yesterday, I was overwhelmed with emotion.  I did it. I really did it. I set my mind to something, and I reached my goal.  And I gained so much more than just physical achievement.

Isn't this what happens when we remain steadfast with anything we do? We have the goal in mind (get the job, run the race, win the game), but when we actually achieve success, we realize the journey was really the important part. I have a new friend, I have a newfound confidence in myself, and I have learned the lesson of dedication in a whole new way.  These things are worth way more than any medal or beach towel I'll get at the finish line.

If you've been praying for me over the past few months, let me thank you for being a part of this "team" that got me to this run the race.  I truly felt the presence of God with me as I was running, and all throughout the week as I prayed for healing in my body.  Thank YOU for being steadfast in your prayers.

I finished just 3 minutes ahead of Michelle.... we stuck together until mile 10. Here I am waiting to meet up with her and ecstatic I  am done!

Hanging in the beer tent afterwards, rockin' some huge medals and celebrating our victory! 

My favorite hoodie.

It's so ratty and stretched out, I have to roll the sleeves up instead of push them up. All of it's soft, fleecy material on the inside was eaten by the washer machine years ago. The white screen-printed lettering of my sister's alma mater "Roger Williams University" is all cracked. I was given it before I could even drive a car.  The memories I have wearing this sweatshirt could comprise their own novel.  You all have one of these lying around your closet, or you wore it last night and it's sitting in a pile of the floor next to your side of the bed, or maybe you're even wearing yours right now, like me.

Today is just one of those days I wanted to put on my stretchiest, non-restricting, so-comfy-they're-like-a-part-of-my-body leggings and my favorite hoodie. And oddly enough, yup, you guessed it, God spoke to me as I was putting it on.

God has been speaking to me a lot over the past 15ish hours.  Last night while at youth group, we sang this new-ish-to-me song called "Oceans" by Hillsong United. And while I was singing it, God gave me this bigger picture in my mind of what He's doing with me. In summary, He said, "Alaska is NOT going to fix you, Amy. It's not even the problem.  The problem is that you don't trust me with your life.  You think you have the answer to what will "make it all better" when the answer only lies in Me and My love for you. I have a plan, a purpose for you. I am your purpose. Serving me, Loving me, striving to be like me, and loving my people... those things can all be done no matter where You are. So get it out of your head that going backwards is going to heal You. Only I can do that."

The lyrics to the song we were singing were:
"You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now"

You know when you hear a song over and over again and suddenly, you hear something new in it? That's what happened to me last night. While it's still a kind of new song, we've sung it a lot at church over the past month.  But last night, God pointed out to me that Virginia and our life is my "ocean"... this great unknown... a mystery. And His grace will abound here, He will guide me here, He's never failed me, and He. won't. start. now. 

Whoa.

Then I get home last night to receive an email from a friend who reminded me of Matthew 14 and Peter's story of walking on the water.  Peter had faith, but a lack of focus.  Peter had to step out onto the water in faith, but because his faith was out of focus, he sank. In the email my friend reminded me that my purpose will not be in what I do for a job, or where I serve, but that JESUS IS MY PURPOSE.  And I just have to step out in faith to let Him carry me.

Whoa again. Right?!

I find it amazing that the Holy Spirit can both speak to me the same message He was putting in the hearts of my friends thousands of miles away. 

So back to the hoodie... I guess what God said to me this morning as I was putting it on was that it's okay to seek comfort in familiar things even when I need to move forward into the unknown.  I have walked with Jesus for almost 9 years, and it's important to remember all the ways He has carried me through in the past. Not to dwell in the past, but to seek comfort in His provision for me, and that He's never failed me, and He won't start now.

I have nothing left to do but to listen, be encouraged, put on my favorite hoodie, and step out of the boat.

"I was ruuuunin'!" (if you don't get the reference, you live in a hole)

I decided to kick New Year's resolutions in the butt this year and started mine at the beginning of December.  Well, it wasn't really a "resolution," but more of just a goal I set for myself.  I decided to run my first half marathon in March. 

"Woo hoo!" some of you may be thinking ever so sarcastically... "how original!"  Yeah, I know it's something a lot of you guys out there have done before. And it's probably not a huge surprise as most of you know how much I love running, but I've never really challenged myself to go past like... 6 miles... (ok, I lied. 5 miles) So the idea of running 13.1 is very scary and challenging and motivating and just. plain. crazy (especially for someone who's realistically only run like 4 miles on her best day... to be honest).

Anyways, so I'm running. And running. And running.

A couple wonderful things are already coming out of this goal I set for myself:
1. The endorphin rush has really helped lift my spirits after such a sad year.
2. I feel stronger and proud of myself!
3. I've made a new friend who is also running the half marathon with me.
4. I have great reason to shop the athletic clothing section of Target!

Also, while I hate giving Virginia any credit at all for being any bit more awesome than Alaska... it does win in the weather department. I'm able to run outside all winter long in 40-60 degree weather on flat ground.

So, while the rest of life still doesn't feel particularly amazing right now... running the streets of Hampton is where it's at right now for me.

Yup, this is January. Sunny and warm.

Long overdue...

(Written sometime in early November, but took me forever to post it)

Ok, so I've totally been avoiding writing a blog post for the past two months. Pretty much ever since I promised you all I'd update you on life in Virginia and finding a house, blah blah blah.  To be honest, it's been too difficult to find the right words to describe our experience here.

For the first few weeks, I didn't want to write because I didn't want to spill the beans on buying our new house before we closed on it.  And I also didn't want anyone to think we were crazy.  Because what happened really was a little crazy.  We arrived in Hampton on a Sunday evening, found the house online that night (it had just been posted two days prior), met with our realtor at 10:30 Monday morning and were in a contract with the sellers by 6.  It was the first house we looked at, and after viewing about three more in the neighborhood, we just couldn't keep our minds open to anything else but 4 Margaret.  Even the address felt right.  If that's possible.

So then we waited. And waited. And waited for five weeks to close. Everything went through very smoothly.  We stayed in temporary housing for a week, took a couple nights to visit my sister in northern VA, and camped out at our wonderful friends' Carla and Jeremy's house for almost a month. I also spent a week in CT helping my friend out with her new baby.  You're probably thinking, "Wow, that sounds like a busy life!"  But I promise you... it was so. long.  I shamefully admit I have watched almost 5 seasons of One Tree Hill since arriving here.  That's what a lack of job, friends, and life will do to a person.

But then we bought the house.

This picture was taken the day we closed... those blue skies didn't last for long!

 It was a Monday afternoon and as soon as we got the keys and walked in the door, the skies opened for the next week. We were fortunate enough to have a small break in the clouds long enough to unpack our moving truck, but seriously!

We spent the next couple weeks becoming familiar faces at the local Home Depot, Target, and Lowes, purchasing things to make our house a home.  It's amazing how much money you can spend on trivial things like curtain rods and area rugs.

At the end of October, I took a trip I've been waiting four years to take.  I went to visit my dear friend Viv in Lisbon, Portugal.  It was an amazing experience, from wandering the cobblestone streets, climbing up to castles, and drinking wine in the Douro quintas... I experienced beauty in a new way.  And I even think I learned a lot about myself in this place... traveling will do that to you, so be careful!

It's been a full couple of months, but at the same time, has felt so empty. We are slowly starting to make friends and have even enjoyed attending this one church for the past month. It's completely different from what we experienced in Alaska, but maybe that's a good thing.  Nothing will ever compare to First Cov. or the people there anyways, so completely different can actually be healing.

But my heart is still so broken.  Can I be that vulnerable with you?  I miss the life we had and the friends we made.  While I know there can be new life and new friends, I'm grieving Alaska more than I ever expected.  I want it all back, and it scares me to feel that way because those feelings are preventing me from embracing the new, beautiful things here in Virginia.

But the Lord is calling me to be open.  To pick up my mat and walk. To move on and be healed. Here's to a new journey...

The Laughter Gym

(Written on Nov. 26, 2013)

If you've been praying... THANK YOU! Tonight was the first night in months I have laughed until almost a little pee came out. You all shamefully know what I'm talking about. If you've been covering me in prayer, like I know I've asked of some of you, THANK YOU! Last night, I was able to be. myself. And be real! And even at times, be my alter ego, Francine:)  I laughed so hard my face hurt.  My abs screamed at me ("you haven't been working out enough!").  It's almost like I was out of shape from not letting go like that in so long. TOO long.  When our new friends left,  I felt the Lord say to me, "You prayed for me to be a presence tonight and I was. You have been asking me to supply you with joy, and tonight it came in a river, like the one I promised you in Psalm 46.  I love you, my child. And you are lovely.  Even lovelier when you laugh!" THANK YOU FOR PRAYING!

**Sidenote: Last week, Psalm 46 was brought to my heart twice.  I was taking intentional time last week to listen to the Lord.  To SHUT. UP. I know, I should be doing this all the time, but last week, I made a promise to Jordan and to myself that I would listen.  The first day, "Be still and know that I am God" kept resonating in my heart. I wasn't sure exactly where it came from, so I Googled and saw it was from Ps. 46:10. A couple days later, I hit an ultimate low... I've been having a lot of those lately (maybe more on that on a different day). I opened my Bible back up to Ps. 46 and read the whole thing, slowly, out loud (I always feel awkward doing this), and this time, the Lord spoke LOUD AND CLEAR to me through verses 4-5.

"A river brings joy to the city of our God,
the sacred home of the Most High.
God dwells in that city; it cannot be destroyed.
From the very break of day; God will protect it." Psalm 46:4-5

From my journal entry that day: "He made me see that I am the city of God; the home in which He dwells. He lives in me.  He abides in me when I abide in Him. And he promises me a RIVER OF JOY will be coming.  Joy I can't even imagine.  Joy that's not coming in a trickle or a glass.  No, a whole RIVER.  And He promises me He won't let anything destroy me. He is protecting His dwelling place.  He is my refuge and strength (v. 1), always ready to help in times of trouble.  I couldn't be more ready or willing for help right now.  Lord, bring the river.  Flood over me. Wash over me with Your love and joy.  I am ready."

As I wept over those words last week, I still had an aching, sinking feeling in my heart as I just wasn't sure how much longer I could wait for the river to come. The Lord sent it last night. And I am SO REJUVENATED. So like I said, if you've been praying for me, THANK YOU. And keep it up:)